Everlong

     Imagine being stuck at the top of this wheel, in a foreign place, where it all seems like a taunting déjà vu. You recognize it, you know you have been there before, but the memory melted and slipped through your fingers. The wheel is a safe place, you remember it, and remember the feelings associated with it, but the rest of this place is just a dreamlike remembrance of your past. It’s not hard to leave the top, but you can’t bring yourself to do it. The top is where you know you’re safe, but at the same time you feel trapped. The view is amazing from the top, everything is new and exciting, but at the same time everything is new. It’s not the old place you remember so faintly. The wheel is the only thing that hasn’t changed, but compared to the rest of the place, it’s merely a spot to rest and watch the excitement unfold. Unfortunately I have felt stuck in this place. I haven’t been able to bring myself to completely leave the wheel. Sure I’ve stuck my head out to get a breath of fresh air, but I haven’t truly left the wheel. Part of the reason I haven’t left is that I don’t feel a solid base. I feel like I have been floating in the sea, too deep to drop an anchor. I have been searching for the chain, long enough to sink my anchor deep into the solid ground of this sea. The other day while I was riding along, listening to the horrible U.S. pop on the Armed Forces radio station, I heard the first notes of a familiar song. It was a quiet little intro, but I recognized it. Soon it started to build until I felt the full blow of the Foo Fighters. I looked out the window and listened. Although I did not completely recognize the scene, it started to feel more like home. The fog was starting to lift over my memory. The chain became longer, and my anchor became closer to the bottom. Instead of longing to be home, I became more interested in rediscovering this faint memory. I felt more comfortable about leaving the wheel. It hasn’t happened yet, but I know once the chain is long enough, it will.

P.S. Thanks for the nudge grandma. Writing on this blog is just another link in the chain.